Lately I been struggling. With many things. Mostly life, well my life to be exact. Many days I have trouble just getting up because I sometimes know the kind of day I’m going to have. Its just there and I hate it. No matter how much I talk to God or plead or ask, it just happens. I have a tough day ahead.
I should be thankful for what I have, right? I mean I have my health and I have a beautiful child, smart kid, I have a place to stay, I have a car that runs. Sometimes I just don’t care about what I have. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have what I have. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a dad. Is that wrong? Am I selfish? Am I crazy.
You know I look at what is going on around me. Not really what’s happening in the world but what’s around me locally. I see people who are successful and I see happy people. I see people in relationships and are dating, eating out, going places. Everyone seems to be doing so well. and then there’s me. My self is just not cutting it. And I don’t like me very much lately.
I seem to be missing something. Empty feelings, empty heart. Been stepped on and just want to fight everything I feel. I tend to get withdrawn and that’s just how I deal with my self. I really want something, well one thing and I cannot seem to find it. I think what I want is just to be held. Will someone come and just let me be held? Then I heard this song.
Yes, life has hit me out of nowhere and I’m barely holding on. I mean right now. Yes I have yet to recover from some of the things life has done to me. I may never recover. I may just give up. You know toss it all in and leave it all behind. I will be better off, right? No? Yes? What’s the point. Still gotta get through. Are there better days ahead? Tomorrow’s not promised so the answer is no. So what do I do. I’m tired of fighting. I’m bound by my control. I surrender, but not to my self.
Is there freedom in surrender? I don’t know. I haven’t learned to let things go. I’m not much for being on my knees cause right now an answer is too far away. I don’t like being alone and that’s my problem. Truth is I’m not alone, I just don’t share, so few know what I go thru!! To say my world is falling apart is an understatement, it’s not is it? Actually it’s falling in to place. Deals are happening and I’m making things happen.
I love this song. I hum it. I sing it. I think it. I love the harmony. It makes me wish I could sing. Heck, I’m listening to it right now. It’s my theme for this year. Takes trust to do what it says. Stop holding on and just be held. I’m working on it. I fall daily. I live with regret. I contradict my self. I argue and fight with me. I hate me. But there is someone who is out there and telling me, “just hold on”. I think I will do that this year. Haven’t done it much in the last couple years but it’s time for a change. So yes God, I’m holding on. But can you please send someone my way who can let me just be held? Good!
Until then, I’m holding on to just be held.